I Had a Point When I Started

Sitting above the waves watching the bold ply their skills and the vigorous run along the cliffs I regret my time sequestered from the world that has been this past year.



I find myself thinking dark thoughts and so I am leaving the edge and heading down to the sand and what the new tides will bring. Not cool when the ledge starts to look like a reasonable option.

I find I am unable to release my anger. Impotent rage is the most useless of emotions. "Hate him back", doesn't work for me as I don't believe in "Him", in the first place. It serves no purpose to rage at the Medical Machine. The one doctor's incompetence cost a week of delay at the surgical clinic but didn't alter the outcome in any significant way. The Hospice and their half assed work while the celebrated the birth of Jebus or the death of the year or whatever fetivus they partook of did make the events more traumatic but again altered the outcome not one wit. Family tantrums and hasty decisions take no heed of my anguish as does evolution and its' creation of the oncogenes in the first place.

This most useless of pastimes creeps into my thoughts in idle times when the wind and the the rain are stealing my sleep and the cold grinds into my joints.

Random Quarks

The days have sucked the confidence from my marrow. I have spent a bit of time thinking about luck. “You make your own luck”, the spew of the privileged can be heard amongst the reeds. The reality is that the universe is just a dice game. The meaning in life comes from within, not imposed from some dictator in the sky but how one reacts to the strong interaction of quarks. We live with the illusion of free will side by side with the realization that quantum fluctuations could destroy the present reality in the blink of an eye.

How do I explain the lack of, “Truth Justice and the American way”, I don’t I do what the rest of the world does, I create an illusion I can live with. A story that allows me to go on without taking the short walk over to madness. When the pattern will not hold at the center I add another twist, or I don’t. I let this be the world that falls through the cracks and lands on the dustbin of the many worlds. There is no particular reason that I should be untouched by the fate storm that has struck down those around me. In an age that has an average life expectancy in the 70’s why are my entire circle dead well before 60. As the center of my own universe I am seeing a pattern that defies the odds but in reality the sample is too small and I am excluding those that live on.

The story that follows is as random as any that one may encounter and I will endeavor to lay bare as much of my reality as I am able, the question of how real that truly is will be up to you gentle reader. I hope you enjoy the escape.

Moving becomes a way of life. In the first 5 years of school we moved at least once every year. Before starting school there were an equal number of moves that I can remember but they do not stand out in my mind as much. Always being the new kid is not a unique experience I am sure. The only thing I am sure about it is that it sucked. Always having to make new friends by the time you get to junior high you are an outcast. That feeling began when in the 4th grade I was put into a special class for the “accelerated student”. Prior to that the kids had let me drift into and out of groups without much grief. As when I finished high school there was no money for further education the move fucked up my life with very little reward.

Being different is not necessarily an advantage in life. We are a social animal and being outside the herd informs the development of your skills. I developed the skills to negotiate with the unknown and the ability to fake things in many different social situations. The road to freakdom is paved with minor insults and slights that accumulate over the years like lime scale from calcified water. One day you wake up and the rest of the world is out of your reach. Normality is just over the horizon but you can’t walk in a straight line.

The travels and camping idea is not dead but will require refinement. In the next few days I will endeavor to rent a studio or 1 bedroom and will venture forth on the bike when the weather permits. This will require more planning in advance more distance research but in the end should work out to be as much fun. I am just not cut out to be homeless I guess. Always the catch 22, until I can generate some income from the writing being on the road full time is cost prohibitive while not being on the road makes it harder to generate interesting content.

Cold Water

Heading back to the beach tomorrow after one last night at the Inn. Bathroom ceiling was dripping yesterday and the came in and patched it. Spent the evening at the Mormon church for The Taylor family baptism. In the real world even when your friends do something odd it is nice to try and be supportive. It is a nice group of people and I hope it gives the kids what they are looking for but I doubt it. The water was evidently too cold for Taloura's taste and the Stepford kind of smiles on the faces of some of the folks was a little creepy. I was polite and sat quietly while they talked about the power of their magic and such. Kept thinking about the Southpark episode with the family that tries to recruit Stan and his family. If they were not such homophobic misogynists I guess it would sit better but as my life is not exactly firing on all cylinders at the moment it seemed a bad time to give advice.

Beach Eye Opener

The week at the beach was an eye opener. My joints are not up to winter camping. That was just the beginning of some things I had to face. The car runs up the cost of sites dramatically. $35 a night for tent space works out to $1000 a month. That is more than I was paying for a two-bedroom apartment and beyond the budget for the start up. The state has raised the fees, to help with the budget shortfall I guess. I liked the distraction free environment that camping provided even under the harsh weather conditions but I slept poorly. When the wind is bending the tent pole down and bouncing it off your head it tends to keep you awake.

In addition to the higher fees the services have gone to the dogs. The showers were only working one day out of seven and every morning the toilet was backed up. I have been pretty bummed and starting each day that way was disheartening in the extreme. As a result I am looking for a place to rent. Looked at the outside of a few places and then had to turn in an application to get in to look at the inside of one of them. I went dyslexic on the new phone number so I may have wasted 2 days on that one. It is a unique looking space from the pictures but I want to see the loft before I decide. The places I looked at in old town, 1 rented and the other is not yet vacant. The one was above a restaurant and that would have been cool but it was already gone.

My skills have eroded more with the years and it seems harder and harder to conform to the rules. Have been unable to complete the car paperwork and hence needed to stay in Eureka for a bit longer. Rented a weekly room to try and recover a bit physically at the Royal Inn. Will try to recover over the weekend and go at it again Monday.

The plan will now have to be modified depending on what type of place I end up getting but will be traveling and camping with the bike only and when the weather improves.

Doubt creeps in

The last couple of nights camping have been tough.My medical situation has flared up and between the cramps and the spasms I am not sure if I am coming or going. The pain is stalking me at every turn and I am not sure I am up to the fight. Found a place to stay in doors for a week to make some inquiries and review the plan. Looked at a couple of places just not sure what to do at this point. The experts say not to make a decision in the aftermath of tragedy but most people don't have the luxury of waiting.One last thing Flush The Damn Toilet!

A photo interlude

Not much to say today so here are some pictures.

Stormy Night At the Spit

The first night in the new tent was a true adventure. Set up camp about 4:30 and got inside before the storm broke. Wind and rain howled most of the night and I only had to add stakes once. Stayed dry although it was pretty cool outside the sleeping bag. The Coleman heater warmed things up for getting in and out of the bag and getting dressed but I don’t run it when I am asleep per the instructions. The ride up made for a tough day. Up at 7 moving the last of my stuff to storage before loading the car and doing a final cleaning.

I held it together pretty well until was turning in the keys to the place. When they asked about Don and I gave some details I broke down and for the whole drive my emotions were raw and as I headed north the tears flow on occasion.

Stopped along the way to take a few pictures and Anoria kept running through my mind. Escaping to the realm of fantasy has healed me in the past. When I returned from caring for the old man I almost didn’t make it. Went a little crazy in the desert with heat when the transmission died in Texas. By the time I made it back to the north I had some form of respiratory infection that gave me a Pink Floyd fever. When the fever broke I wrote and wrote and that brought me back to sanity. I hope for that same type of healing this trip. Even though the move to the valley was expensive and ruptured a disc I am still glad we did it. The lost coast still is free of the taint of sadness that pervades so many other places.

The Next day has been dry and mild. I was out on the bike in the early sun and rode for an hour covering just less than 10 miles. My fitness is abysmal and the idea that I could ride back in to shape in a week was delusional to the max. I am riding another split in the afternoon and doing a lot of walking on the beach but a month is more realistic. The Samoa spit is a quiet little camp space to operate from. With the exception of the first nights windstorm it has been raining off and on but scattered showers are not that big a deal when the wind isn’t blowing fifty miles an hour.

The county park system has gone down hill over the last year I am sorry to have to report. The showers are out for the weekend. The people have forgotten how to flush a toilet it would seem. This is mostly the day users but not cool at all. Prices are moderate, $20 a night for a vehicle, $8 for bike in with a discount for veterans the disabled and seniors over 62.

The Adventure Begins

The first night in the new tent was a true adventure. Set up camp about 4:30 and got inside before the storm broke. Wind and rain howled most of the night and I only had to add stakes once. Stayed dry although it was pretty cool outside the sleeping bag. The Coleman heater warmed things up for getting in and out of the bag and getting dressed but I don’t run it when I am asleep per the instructions. The ride up made for a tough day. Up at 7 moving the last of my stuff to storage before loading the car and doing a final cleaning.
I held it together pretty well until was turning in the keys to the place. When they asked about Don and I gave some details I broke down and for the whole drive my emotions were raw and as I headed north the tears flow on occasion.
Stopped along the way to take a few pictures and Anoria kept running through my mind. Escaping to the realm of fantasy has healed me in the past. When I returned from caring for the old man I almost didn’t make it. Went a little crazy in the desert with heat when the transmission died in Texas. By the time I made it back to the north I had some form of respiratory infection that gave me a Pink Floyd fever. When the fever broke I wrote and wrote and that brought me back to sanity. I hope for that same type of healing this trip. Even though the move to the valley was expensive and ruptured a disc I am still glad we did it. The lost coast still is free of the taint of sadness that pervades so many other places.

Coming to a close

Went out to Travis AFB and renewed my Id card. Wanted to be sure my medical eligibility was up to date before I became homeless. Doing all the tasks that modern society deems so necessary and have become huge pains in the rear.

There has been a change in initial destination possibly. Trying to do everything above board has caused the vehicle transfer to become a cluster fuck. I should have just called as Don and gotten the payoff and sent them a check. Because I was honest I have to wait for death certificates and lawyers before cutting them a check. As a result I may need to travel to Eureka next week to transact everything. If I do I will stay for a while and see some friends and familiar haunts.

I am thinking about staying out on the Samoa spit for a week and getting my bike legs back. Haven’t ridden much in the last few months and some conditioning is in order. Also working the bugs out of my system in a familiar environment seems like a good idea. I can take some of the old games up to Kay and Chris so there is that benefit as well.

Half Moon Baked

The care giving is finished and I am beginning to work on the 5.3 project. I am going to get back to the ocean and begin with Half Moon Bay . I have about 10 days of this and that to clean up the apartment and finish a few of Don’s affairs. When that is finished I think the water would be a good place to start. I will be going in the winter months so they allow for up to 14 nights of camping.

A New Years Day

Had the last tough day. It is the beginning of the new year and Don has drifted into a coma. Around 2 in the afternoon of New Years Eve the hallucinations got the better of him and he could not catch his breath. He began with agonal breathing and became more and more agitated. For a little over an hour he was leaning over my shoulder with the oxygen on 8 while he gasped for air. Heavy doses of liquid morphine and Thorazine eventually calmed his fears but left him expended. That hour of terror drove what was left of the essential Donness out of him. We saw in the new year with the arrival of lorazepam from the on call nurse. Would have been nice if we had it earlier as it was prescribed but never delivered. The outcome was not going to be altered perceptibly but it left us all with a devastating memory of suffering. He still had some core strength, I could feel it with the last transfer, weak and thready but still present.
That core ebbed away as the sun passed to the west and when the end came we were alone. The others were off resting or smoking and one last deep gasp ended my friends ordeal. I will think of Don often in the future but I will try to forget these last few days.