Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The days have sucked the confidence from my marrow. I have spent a bit of time thinking about luck. “You make your own luck”, the spew of the privileged can be heard amongst the reeds. The reality is that the universe is just a dice game. The meaning in life comes from within, not imposed from some dictator in the sky but how one reacts to the strong interaction of quarks. We live with the illusion of free will side by side with the realization that quantum fluctuations could destroy the present reality in the blink of an eye.
How do I explain the lack of, “Truth Justice and the American way”, I don’t I do what the rest of the world does, I create an illusion I can live with. A story that allows me to go on without taking the short walk over to madness. When the pattern will not hold at the center I add another twist, or I don’t. I let this be the world that falls through the cracks and lands on the dustbin of the many worlds. There is no particular reason that I should be untouched by the fate storm that has struck down those around me. In an age that has an average life expectancy in the 70’s why are my entire circle dead well before 60. As the center of my own universe I am seeing a pattern that defies the odds but in reality the sample is too small and I am excluding those that live on.
The story that follows is as random as any that one may encounter and I will endeavor to lay bare as much of my reality as I am able, the question of how real that truly is will be up to you gentle reader. I hope you enjoy the escape.
Moving becomes a way of life. In the first 5 years of school we moved at least once every year. Before starting school there were an equal number of moves that I can remember but they do not stand out in my mind as much. Always being the new kid is not a unique experience I am sure. The only thing I am sure about it is that it sucked. Always having to make new friends by the time you get to junior high you are an outcast. That feeling began when in the 4th grade I was put into a special class for the “accelerated student”. Prior to that the kids had let me drift into and out of groups without much grief. As when I finished high school there was no money for further education the move fucked up my life with very little reward.
Being different is not necessarily an advantage in life. We are a social animal and being outside the herd informs the development of your skills. I developed the skills to negotiate with the unknown and the ability to fake things in many different social situations. The road to freakdom is paved with minor insults and slights that accumulate over the years like lime scale from calcified water. One day you wake up and the rest of the world is out of your reach. Normality is just over the horizon but you can’t walk in a straight line.
The travels and camping idea is not dead but will require refinement. In the next few days I will endeavor to rent a studio or 1 bedroom and will venture forth on the bike when the weather permits. This will require more planning in advance more distance research but in the end should work out to be as much fun. I am just not cut out to be homeless I guess. Always the catch 22, until I can generate some income from the writing being on the road full time is cost prohibitive while not being on the road makes it harder to generate interesting content.